Rumors

Having your husband die in the town where both of you grew up has its upside and downside.  The upside is that if your friends and family still live there, you have the platinum level support system.  The downside is that a lot of people know you, know your husband, and know both of your families.  Another downside for me was that Gordie’s family had been in the area for a long time, including his grandparents, so a lot of people knew them or knew of them.  It quickly became widely known that the cause of Gordie’s death was a mystery.   And people started talking.  Immediately.   

A few days after his death, my sister in law told me that people were whispering “suicide”.  I was livid….for three reasons.  First, Gordie was not the type of person to ever, EVER bail on his kids.  He loved our sons and although he was not a religious man, he praised God for making him a Father.  He would never have caused them, or me, pain by taking his own life.    

Second, Gordie was not a quitter.  Gordie’s perseverance was unmatched, whether it was getting his college degree, figuring out how to do something, or fighting.   It took Gordie 12 years to get his Bachelor degree but he never, ever gave up on trying to get it.   Before Gordie died, he replaced the screen on his mobile phone by himself.  He was determined not to pay to have someone else replace it.  So, after the boys went to bed each night, he would watch You Tube videos on how to replace a screen as he attempted it on his phone.  It went on for weeks.

“Gordie, let’s just pay to get it replaced.  This is ridiculous”, I would say as I sat at the kitchen table watching him with his headlamp on, his teeny tiny screwdriver, his phone and his computer with the You Tube video next to him. 

“Fuck that.  Their price to replace it is ridiculous.  I can do this”, he would say.

He would look up at me, that silly headlamp on his head, and I would just roll my eyes at him and shake my head. 

But, he did it.  He replaced the screen. 

And even though Gordie was never the biggest or strongest guy, if you ask any of his high school and college friends, they will tell you that when it came to fighting, Gordie went to the mat.  He would fight until it was either over or he had gotten the shit kicked out of him.

The man simply did not give up. 

Finally, I was pissed because I worried that Nathan would hear the suicide rumors.  Although Nathan was not even seven and never without adult supervision, it’s unbelievable where adults will gossip:  the schoolyard, the baseball field, the frozen yogurt store.  I was terrified he was going to hear the rumors, which would have absolutely crushed him.  My fear of Nathan hearing these rumors just added fuel to the incredible rage in my body.  I actually told my friends “get the word out that if anyone talks about suicide and Nathan hears it, I will personally track down that person and kick their fucking ass.”  The scary thing is, I was not joking.

I was even worried about the news outlets.  Several days after Gordie died, the Sergeant in charge of the investigation told me that KTVU had called them inquiring if there was indeed a death at the Ball Estate.  The Sheriff’s department would not comment.  I panicked.  People were talking in the town.  What if they talked to the news outlets?  My parents were avid news watchers.  What if there was something on the nightly news when Nathan was playing in the family room?  Nathan could also read.  What if something was published in the newspaper and Nathan saw it somewhere?   The Sergeant assured me that they were handling the investigation with complete discretion.  But as I hung up the phone, I was completely freaked out.  I was already in my running clothes and shoes.  I grabbed my iPod and shot out the door. 

Oh fuck, I thought.  What am I going to do?

My breaths were coming out in short quick gasps.  I was scared.  As I jogged my normal route, I thought about packing up and taking the boys back to Colorado. 

Nobody will be talking about this in Colorado.  The news outlets won’t be sniffing out a story in Colorado, I thought.  We should go back.

That night I got my computer out and checked out houses for sale in Colorado.  But I knew that going back to Colorado and leaving California would have its challenges.  I had a job, my parents, and a fantastic support system in California.  I had a lot of friends in Colorado but not my parents and not a job. 

As the investigation dragged on and the town gossip continued, I started to hide a little bit.  I did not like that people were talking about us.  I felt like all eyes were on us as we walked through our little town.  I worried that we were just so recognizable everywhere we went:  a woman with a six year old holding one hand and a two year old with red hair in the other arm.  And apparently we were.

“Excuse me, are you Staci Ball?”

“Yes."

“I am Diane.  I was at your husband’s funeral.  I know your husband’s family.  Your eulogy was beautiful. I am just so sorry for your loss”

“Thank you”, I said as Wyatt wiggled in my arms and Nathan looked down at his feet.

Believe it or not, this was a regular occurrence for months… at the grocery store, at the toy store, at baseball games, at birthday parties, at restaurants.   I know that people meant well but it was rough on Nathan and on me.  We did not want to be the people everyone recognized because we lost our Dad and Husband.  We did not want to be reminded about his funeral when were were in the yogurt shop trying to have a fun moment away from our nightmare life.   

Fortunately after several weeks, suicide was officially ruled out by the Sheriff’s investigation.  I told my friends to get the word out.  There were also no more calls from news outlets. 

People continued to stop us as we tried to carry on our lives.  We sort of became use to it.  And thank goodness for sunglasses.  They make you feel just a little bit hidden.