“Hey Girl", Jane said as I answered my phone.
“Hi”, I replied.
“How did you sleep last night?” she asked.
“OK. The pills
are helping. I need a book to read
before I go to sleep though…something to help me escape from this nightmare”, I
said.
“OK. Let’s get
you a book. What do you feel like
reading?” Jane asked.
“Nothing happy.
No happy romances. No books
about incredible dreams coming true.
None of that shit” I said.
Jane laughed.
“I think I might have the perfect book for you. Have you heard about the 50 Shades of
Grey series?” she asked.
“Nope. What’s
that?” I asked.
“It’s about a romance but it’s seriously twisted. I think you will love it since you’ve
always liked twisted stuff. I am
on the second one and I can barely put it down”, she said.
“I don’t want to read about a happy romance”, I said.
“Trust me…you will like this and it will help you escape”, Jane
said.
“OK. Thanks
Girl.”
I downloaded the book that night while the boys were eating
dinner. After I put them to bed, I
did my typical night routine which was a combination of my compulsively weird
Inernet searches on proof of Heaven and the afternlife, some work for Clorox,
and some work on closing out Gordie’s life. It was 10:30pm and time for me to go to bed. I got ready for bed, got under the
covers, grabbed my iPad and started reading 50 Shades of Grey.
I read for over an hour. I could not put the thing down. I had to force myself to put my iPad on my bedstand and turn
out my light just before midnight.
I could have read all night.
The next night, and the next night, and the nights after
that, I could not wait to get into bed and start reading again. Jane was right. This book was the perfect escape from
my broken life. Yes, it was about a
romance but it was so fucked up that it completely stopped me from thinking
about my own fucked up life. I
loved it....except for one thing.
The book got me totally turned on sexually. Yep, I am saying it. Reading about all that crazy sex stuff
made me totally hot and the most fucked up thing was that there was nothing I
could do about it. Each night
after reading 50 Shades, I would lie in my bed cursing myself for every night
where I had given Gordie the brush off.
Just like so many relationships, there were nights during our marriage
where I was just too tired, or did not feel good about my body, or was annoyed
at him, or where I had to get up early the next morning, so I would say “Not
tonight, tomorrow night.”. And now here I was a widow and desperately in the mood and desperately wanting my
husband. It was beyond ironic. To this day my advice to
people is don’t brush off your significant other too much. Don’t think you can always have sex
tomorrow night. Because sadly, I
learned that there is not always a tomorrow.
I finished all three 50 Shades books in record time. To this day I am so thankful to Jane
for suggesting the series to me. I
am also so thankful to the author for writing them. She gave me hours of escape where I would get lost in
Christian and Anastasia’s bat shit crazy relationship, miles away from my
painful reality.
One particular night after reading 50 Shades, turning out
the light, and lying in my bed totally turned on, I am certain I heard Gordie
whisper in my ear…
“Unfucking believable
that you are reading these books when I am no longer here to reap the benefits.”
I actually laughed out loud.
