I sent Nathan with my Mom to my Parents house. He was devastated and confused and I
needed to get him out of this horrible scene. My Mom wanted to take Wyatt but every time I tried to hand
him to her, he started to cry. He
did not understand what was going on but he sensed something was terribly wrong
and he wanted his Mommy. I decided
to keep him with me. My Sister-in-Law was there and Wyatt liked her so she could help me with him.
The Sergeant told me he had to interview me. He put a tape recorder on our kitchen
table and asked me to tell him what happened from the moment I came home from
work until now. I told him
everything. He asked questions
about Gordie, Gordie’s state of mind, and Gordie’s physical health. Did he have heart problems? Did he normally jog? He asked about Gordie’s friends, what
Gordie had done all week and if Gordie had any enemies. Could I think of anyone that might want
to hurt us? Was anything in the
house missing? Questions,
questions and more questions. My
brain was spinning but I answered all of them. He asked for Gordie’s social security number and Driver’s
License number. I went and found
both of them. He asked for
Gordie’s cell phone. I gave him
both of Gordie’s cell phone. He asked
about Gordie’s email accounts. I gave him the information.
At one point during the interview, my Father in Law came in
and asked if he could see Gordie before they took him away. The Sergeant said yes and then asked if
I wanted to see Gordie. I just sat
there.
“I’m not sure”, I said.
“That’s OK. The
Coroner is not ready yet so you can think about it”, the Sergeant said.
The Coroner. I
could not believe I had just heard those words.
A little while later the Sergeant said the Coroner was ready
for whoever wanted to see Gordie.
I looked out those big picture windows to the back yard and they were
wheeling a gurney across the patio.
It looked like a mummy was on the gurney. Gordie was wrapped in what seemed like tons of white sheets.
I decided that I need to see him. My Father in Law, Mother in Law and Brother in Law followed
me down the back steps.
The Coroner folded back the white sheets around Gordie’s
face. I could barely see his
forehead but I could see his face including his ever-present goatee. His eyes were mostly open. I looked into those eyes that I had
looked into a million times.
Gordie had incredible eyes.
They had this very unique color pattern: hazel brown with gold specks. And he had the longest eyelashes I had ever seen on a
person: man or woman. I could not
see the gold specks because of the darkness. But I could see the hazel in the moonlight and could see
those wonderfully long eyelashes that both of my sons inherited. I asked the Coroner if I could touch
Gordie’s face. He said yes. I touched his cheek and was surprised
that it was so cold. That’s one of
the things I remember the most: he
was so cold and I was worried that he was cold until I remembered that he was
not there anymore.
I said “I love you…I love you…I love you”. Over and over.
And then I kissed his cheek. I could have stayed there all night. I just wanted to be with him. I actually wanted to scream “Wake
Up!” “Come Back”!! But the next thing I knew, they were rolling
him away. I went inside and don’t
remember what happened next. At
some point during the evening Gordie’s Step Mother helped me pack a few things
for me and the boys so that we could sleep at my parents house. Somehow I had the ability to throw the
essentials into a bag: jammies,
toothbrushes, my glasses, the boys’ stuffed animals, clothes for tomorrow, and
a bottle for Wyatt.
Then I just wanted to go. My Dad would drive Wyatt, Ralphie and me in my car to my
parents’ house. Ann, who managed
the Estate for my in-laws, had arrived at some point during the evening so I
asked her and my Father in Law if they could lock up the Estate so that I could
go.
Ann said “of course, just go honey”.
My Dad helped me put Wyatt, Ralphie, and our things into my
car. We drove slowly down the
driveway and out of the gate. I was in shock.
I remember saying “I can’t believe this” over and over and
over. And then asking my Dad
“how am I going to get through this?”
He said “I don’t know but you will and everyone will help
you”.
I walked into my parents’ house. Nathan was lying on the couch in my Mom’s arms. He looked lost. I gave Wyatt to my Mom and reached out
to Nathan.
He cried and said “why did Daddy die?”
I don’t remember if he even knew at that point that Gordie
had been found in the pool.
I just kept saying “God decided that he needed Daddy to be
in Heaven”.
Nathan wanted to sleep with me that night. So I put both boys into the queen bed
in my room at my parents’ house.
Somehow I was able to get my own jammies on and I think I even brushed my
teeth. I went and lay down next to
the boys. Nathan was crying. Wyatt had no idea what was going on and
he was tired. Finally Nathan cried
himself to sleep.
But I just lay
there awake all night staring at the ceiling thinking…
What the hell had just
happened?
How could my husband
be dead?
How could my sons lose
their Daddy at such a young age?
How did Gordie get
into the pool and how was he not able to get out?
How was I going to
raise these boys on my own?
What was I going to
tell Nathan in the morning?
Where are we going to
live? I can’t go back to that place.
What if we had stayed
in Colorado? This would not have
happened.
How will I ever go
back to work?
Who will take care of
the boys when I have to go back to work?
And the worse thought that made me physically nauseous all
through the night…
Did Gordie suffer?
