As I was walking into my parents’ house after moving stuff
out of the Estate with my friends, a car drove up that I did not
recognize. The person parked the
car and got out. It was Greg,
Gordie’s best friend for the past 14 years, who still lived in Colorado. Greg,
his wife Regina, Gordie and I went to the same high school. Greg and Reg lived with us for three
months in Colorado when they first moved from California. Greg and Reg were Nathan’s
Godparents. Gordie and I were the
Godparents of their daughter, Hazel.
They were as much a part of our family as our blood relatives. Greg walked up. I clung to him and cried. He was crying almost as hard as I
was. I had called him the night
before soon after my Mom had taken Nathan to her house. All I remember was screaming in the
phone “Gordie died. Gordie
died. I need you. I need you”. And then I remember handing the phone to my Dad. Greg had taken the first plane out of
Colorado to get here.
“I’m here Stace”, he said, “for whatever you need”.
He came inside and Nathan rushed to him. Greg gave him the biggest hug and told
him “I’m sorry about your Dad”.
Nathan was so glad to see his Godfather. It was the first smile I had seen on his face since he came
home from school the day before.
That night I took the boys to dinner at Gordie’s brother
Pat’s house. Before Gordie died we
had planned to have dinner there with his Mom and Step Dad. It was the first dinner with Gordie’s
family that I ever had without him.
I asked Greg to come with me and the boys.
He did and my in-laws were thrilled to see him. Having Greg there was like having a
tiny piece of Gordie there…for all of us.
When we were getting ready to leave, Pat, Greg, Nathan, Liz,
and I stood in the hall.
Nathan suddenly asked “Am I going to get a new Daddy
now?”
We were speechless.
I started to cry.
Greg knelt down next to Nathan and said “Your Dad will
always been your Dad even though he’s in Heaven”.
Nathan asked in small voice, looking so sad with those big
brown eyes, “But who is going to practice sports with me so that I get
better?”
If my heart was not already completely broken from my own
loss, the rest of what was remaining broke at that moment. My six-year old son was already
beginning to understand what life would be like without his beloved father who
had been not only his primary caregiver but also his idol.
Greg answered Nathan’s question “Your Uncle Pat, Mr. Chris,
some of your Dad’s other friends, and me when I see you. We will make sure you have someone to
practice sports with Nathan. It
will be OK”.
Nathan looked doubtful but he did not ask any more
questions. That night though,
after we got home and got ready for bed, Nathan started to cry. It would be the last time that I saw
him cry about losing his Dad. And
this time he really cried. Big gut
wracking sobs laced with the statement “I miss Daddy” over and over again. I held him and tried to wipe away his
tears but I could not make it better for my little boy. I grabbed Gordie’s pillow that the
girls had packed for me. I also
grabbed a picture of Nathan and Gordie on Nathan’s first day of preschool. I asked Nathan if he wanted to sleep on
Daddy’s pillow. He said yes. I showed him the picture and asked if
he wanted to put it under Daddy’s pillow.
Again, he said yes. But the
sobs continued. He cried himself
to sleep once again. I lay next to
him and rubbed his back. Finally,
he fell asleep.
To this day, Nathan still sleeps on his Daddy’s pillow.
